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11.10.2004
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Olesya Pomazan
(Translated by Paul Voytinsky aka Uncle Pasha)
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Looking for a Russian woman: do's and don'ts
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It is no secret that many come to Russia with hopes ranging from spicing up their
sex lives to bringing home an "ideal wife" - someone warm, caring, feminine, and
family-oriented. In my estimate one-third to one-half of independent travellers
(i.e. non-package tour, non-business) to this part of the world come here with sex,
love or marriage in mind. Many find it - or think that they did.
While my position on what I'll broadly call "dating" tends to be on the sceptical
side, I recognize and accept that many of my guests come to Russia with that
objective in mind. As a sociologist, I understand some of the reasons that make
successful dating difficult for many North Americans and West Europeans. These
include gender disbalance, flux and transition of social values and norms, and
all-encompassing fragmentation and alienation so typical of modern societies that
forces men to look at women of "traditional" cultures. At the same time one needs
to be realistic about trans-cultural relations and, in particular, those between
North American men and Russian women...
Despite my reservations, my duty is not to moralize but to respect the plans and
interests of my guests, and to assist them with deed and advice. Thus this article.
Being consultant, I'll start with advice. Being lazy, I'll give my advice in a
condensed bullet-point form. Sapienti sat. Others will have to learn from
their own mistakes.
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Don'ts
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Despite lose morals and cheap prostitutes, Russia is not a good place
for sex tourism. Unless, of course, you are looking for a way to
quickly and uncreatively part with your money and pick up something
embarrassing if not downright nasty.
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Please pardon me for prejudice and political incorrectness. Marriage
minded men should stay away from small town Russia. The gap in culture,
expectations, values, and lifestyle between a professional North
American, who you presumably are, and a small-town girl looking for
someone to take her away from her troubles is way too wide for any
meaningful communication, let alone living a life together. Concentrate
on Moscow, St. Petersburg and a few other major cities, and confine
your search to professional self-supporting women who speak English.
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Russia is a "divorce culture". That is, there is a whole population of
women who consider marriage and subsequent divorce as an instrument for
"getting ahead in life". Do you really want to play the role of a rich
foreigner, to bring home a woman who will dump you as soon as she gets
the landed immigrant status, and then support her life on welfare with
your taxes? Be responsible towards both yourself and your country.
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Avoid dating agencies that offer catalogues of pretty faces. This
approach automatically puts you in the position of a client picking up
a piece of meat off the rack. A convenient setup, but not the one
likely to lead to a healthy relationship.
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Don't expect anyone to do the job for you while you just fly in and out
with your trophy.
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Avoid the "rich foreigner" image.
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Do not rush into binding decisions.
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Do not let yourself be a duped. Stories are available on request.
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Do's
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Spend time in Russia. Socialize. Get a job, which is quite easy if you
know English and have minimal teaching skills - there are plenty of
vacancies in language schools. Let a circle of acquaintances form
naturally. With some luck you will find the right woman.
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Do be ready for linguistic and cultural challenges. Learn Russian well
enough to understand what is happening around you.
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Your opinion regarding this article will be much appreciated at the
forum.
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